Chronically Expressive

First I want to apologize for the delay and lack of effort I have put into updating my blog but it its has been kind of challenging couple of weeks for me, which I think is a perfect time to post this blog. I neglected my blog because of everything else that was happening around me, but today I promised myself to start taking care of me first and not to let my viewers down, because my purpose behind my blog is bigger than me, its about the support I want to give to everyone who thinks their fighting these battles, trials and as I like to call them demons alone, and Also to say the things we all would like to say but just don’t.

With that being said I want to talk about Being protective of Something valuable something that should be a prize possession of yours, which is “your Peace”, actually protecting your peace. If you define two things, (Protection) it states a person or thing that prevents someone or something from suffering harm or injury, and (Peace) freedom from tranquility or disturbance. When you think of these two definitions, what comes to your mind about your peace? Take a minute and think about it⏳.

Now that you have taken a moment to think about these two definitions what does it truly mean to “Protect your Peace”? Does it mean when we get mad or frustrated to let things manifest? Does it mean to let things disrupt our everyday living? Not at all Right? Peace is something we should all have in our life at a point in time, if not all the time. Now I am not talking about the peace where we have a quiet house, No kids screaming, No husband asking where is his stuff that he misplaced and a glass of red wine in our hand, Cause that sounds lovely. I’m referring to that inner peace that you have that creates that self love that wont allow you to let anything disrupt that protective space within us.

Now Trust me I GET IT, everyday we will not experience that glorious “Peace” but we can try! Protecting your peace is a journey and it will take time. I too had to learn that the one thing that I had COMPLETE CONTROL over was my PEACE and my HAPPINESS. Over the past couple of weeks I went M.I.A, I celebrated my 35th birthday, I went on a job interview (its no big secret), and took a week vacation from both my jobs. To say the least all three events were horrible. I wont go into full detail but it wasn’t what I hoped for, and because of my expectations and everything happening around me I let it ruin my Peace. LET ME EXPLAIN!

My 35th birthday I always considered a Big deal since I was younger “Don’t know WHY 35 was big but it just was “but I really didn’t do anything and honestly I just wanted the day to past by, it was nobody fault but my own cause I allowed once again everything happening around me to destroy the Day The Lord said “It is time for a Queen to Arrive.” (Yes I am a queen 👑). Now if you personally know me Every birthday is a big deal to me because each day I wake up I feel like I’m fighting a battle with these two chronic illnesses, so each day the LORD gives me I am grateful, but I always tell my kids “Nobody can ruin your day, only if you let them”, well I definitely contradicted myself that day. I let everything ruin MY DAY. However it wasn’t ALL horrible, my kids and mom really outshined themselves and made me bags of my favorite things, my Sister from a different mister/BFF Nina brought me balloons, and my significant other bought me my favorite perfume and unfortunately he wasn’t himself that day either, which made it even worst!

Now The Day after my birthday I had a job interview. Now I know your saying ” your publicizing this”, well it was no big secret that I had an interview, plus I love my job for the most part and the people the people I work with are great which makes work more enjoyable (most of the times) I mean every place have trial and error, but I have become very comfortable where I’m at, and I truly believe you cannot be comfortable and Grow at the same time. UNFORTUNATELY the job I applied for didn’t happen because it was a No call, No show and not on my end, but I take those as signs, or Sign Of Faith Saying this is Not the Door that was intended to be open for me. Now, IM NOT SAYING IT DIDINT PISS ME OFF, but I just brushed it off and kept moving but brushing it off was probably the worst thing to do because I didn’t address my feelings about it either and all of this happened during my what was supposed to be a peaceful vacation.

I know your saying WOW, but this was my life for only a week. Im not Saying Life or Everyday is going to be perfect but the past couple of weeks I allowed the Weeds of Frustration Steal the Harvest Of My Peace. I wasn’t very protective of that. My Load has been heavy and honestly sometimes to much to carry, especially when you are carrying it Alone.

Protecting your Peace you might have to be a little Selfish with doing so because people and things can be Peace Thief’s. I personally had to Log off Social media for a bit because for a minute Everything I scrolled past was negative and it honestly affected my spirit in some fashion or way. Now true there are unfollow and unfriend buttons, but I chose to completely give up the media and focus more on Reading and meditation 🧘🏾‍♂️. Therefore it was like a Reset button for my Soul. Now for me this wasn’t an easy task because I would get up and scroll through the media, before I read my bible or checked the daily weather so that was a problem for me!

Even Some Friendships I had to Distance, Reconsider, and even Let Go From Because believe it or Not some Friendships can make you feel unsettling, disruptive, and to be quite frank SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF YOU, I had to remember no friendship is a good friendship if every time your around them you leave feeling unsettled. You outgrow people sometimes and that is OK! I am a really firm believer in not letting anyone allow my spirit to be interrupted. That goes for relationships too. Its almost like the term “equally yoked and unequally yoked” . You have to be mindful of the people you allow in your spirit. Now I’m not saying cut everyone off that just Rattles you but I am saying Don’t Let Anyone Rent a space in your life or your head unless they are A good Tennant FLAT OUT!

Last I had to Start Taking Care Of ME and Remembering that NOBODY WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU LIKE YOU!!! If you are anything like me, then Expectations are Set High on the People Around You, but when we start having unrealistic Expectations we leave room for Disappointment and that too can disrupt your peace. I had to stop expecting the people around me to be me. Sometimes having expectations on people means you are holding them responsible for your happiness and your peace. So I let go of those expectations and Just Start taking Care of Me …….AND my kids Of Course!

If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed” ~Sylvia Plath

This was Possibly one of the Most Challenging Accommodations I had to endure, these past few weeks as I did not get the Job I applied for, My 35th birthday was Not as I planned, my vacation was so Tiring I didn’t get to do the things I wanted to do, and I had to make some tough decisions, but you know what THAT IS OK. I still found the positive in everything and Let Go of Everything that was taking up Negative Space and if that means I had to do It all over to Protect My Peace and even my Energy I WOULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN IN A HEARTBEAT , Because my Peace means Everything to me 💗.

Peace Cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by Understanding ~Albert Einstein

Stay tuned!

Happy Tuesday, I hope you All had a good weekend and a Positive Monday . My weekend was very Good to say the least and my Monday was smooth Sailing. I wanted to share with you about this event I took apart of This past Saturday. I participated in the “I Take Steps Crohns, Colitis/IBD Walk”. The walk was located in Southfield Michigan at the Southfield Civic Center. It was roughly about 2.6 miles long, with the option of a 1 mile finish ( seemed much longer) but Before I give you the Deeds on this Wonderful Event, let me give you a briefing on my life and the reason why I really wanted to attend this wonderful experience.

For those who I have not shared I am a Crohns Disease/Colitis Warrior. I say “Warrior” because I’m fighting everyday to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I was Diagnosed at the age of 7. I have been battling with this horrible disease for about 28 years (I’m sure your doing the math figuring out who many years YOUNG I am 🧐😝). This Condition Affects more than 3 million Americans, which is A lot but, I have to say I have had a very Blessed Life thus far. My condition over the Last 5 years has not let me be Great to say the least. I know your saying “how is that being Blessed”? Well it could be much worst believe me. This disease affect not only your digestive system All the way from your mouth to your Anus, but it affects your mental, joints and so many more parts of your body. I always say having this autoimmune disease some days I wake up feeling like Superwoman, then a couple hours later feeling Clark Kent holding Kryptonite.

In 2014 is where it All began. I had my first colon resection due to a stricture (a narrowing of the large intestines) and losing weight rapidly (60lbs in less than 2 months). Then in 2016 I had a Sub-Total Colectomy (Large intestine removed) with an Anastomosis connection. This of course has created short bowel syndrome, which means a lot of bathroom trips 💩, but hey shit happens LITERALLY. I wish I could say it has gotten better since then, but everyday is a fight, mentally and physically. I’m sure I’ll go into further more of these details throughout my blog but back to the walk.

As I stated this walk was Amazing. Along with me, I had my Best Friend, My two daughters, My oldest daughter friend and Their Godmother/God Sisters there for Support and Love. I created a fundraiser and was able to raise $256 dollars to Support this foundation for new research and hopefully one day a cure💜

The walk started at about 10:30 in the morning and it was hotter than a jalapeños Butt outside. In my mind, I said no sweat, but after about 10 minutes, I was sweating my ass off. My Best Friend made sure to keep asking “Are you ok” cause ill be honest, I am out of Shape, or as I say “Thicker than five Snickers”!

After making it to the 1 mile Mark, I was SO DONE! My youngest Allergies started to act up, sneezing and sniffling, and of course I had no tissue, but being the mom I am, I had a shirt and told her go for it 😂. At that point it was hot as hell, I was swollen like the good year blimp and my fingers looked like Vienna sausages. I WAS READY TO QUIT!

I looked at my youngest, I said are you ready to go back, she said no, even with her allergies she was a trooper. My oldest was behind us and was ready to say the ” hell with this”, Then I said to my Best-friend, we can just cut into these trees and go to the finish line but, her response is what really pushed me to finish, she said “when the Lord puts you on one path, we make the mistake of going our own route and getting lost, its ok to take breaks, but keep on the directed path”. There goes that “RBF” again but She was absolutely RIGHT! In my “Martin Lawrence” voice I said ” Damn Gina I was ready to quit”, as you can see I doubted myself big time. I just knew I couldn’t do it, but before I knew it, I tossed back another bottle of water and kept walking. Thank you for pushing me and being my Rider that day Darcy💜.

My oldest and her friend made it before us, but before I knew it we were at the finish Line being cheered on by all these Supporters. Even though I was Tired as ever, swollen with a headache I didn’t quit and I made it and It felt damn good!

The Greatest Reward Come when you give of yourself. Its about Bettering the Lives of others , being part of something bigger than yourself, and making a positive difference. ~Nick Vujicic

This Event I met so many people, connected with many support groups, and did something that I thought I would never be able to do. It was nothing short of Amazing!

If we stop limiting ourselves to the endless possibilities, we began to discover a world of opportunities. I encourage you all to research different walks, support groups, and be apart of something great! Each year I will be doing this walk, in not only support of myself, but others that suffer as well, because to me Life is so much bigger than Myself Alone. Have a Great Tuesday #ITakeSteps #WeTookSteps #Crohnssucks #Colitissucks #Awareness

Stay Tuned…….

~Tanika

I would usually wait to post my blog on Sundays, but I felt it was Necessary. Yesterday I had an appointment to see my Therapist, its no secret that I see a therapist, I’m not legit crazy or anything but every now and then I need a different perspective on life and everything around me. Matter a fact, I personally recommend everyone to see a therapist every now and then. I am off work on Fridays, and usually every Friday, Even though I am off from work, my life at home is still Work and sometimes very Chaotic! With two teenagers, A second job, and a boyfriend I’m surprised I’m not in a Straight Jacket!

No but Really though, how many times during this week already, when someone ask you how are you, and your response is “I’m Fine, I’m Ok, or I’m good! Or how many times Do you just wish someone would just ask, If your OK, Do you need Anything, or What Can I help you with? If you said “No I haven’t, then I’m here to say “Your Lying”. We All have those days where mentally and physically we had a meltdown worst than a toddler in a candy store.

It had only been 3 days into my work week and I have had damn near 5 meltdowns, Flipped a Table, and Flipped the middle Finger to Everyone and Everything that has tested me. Well not Actually did these things only just the meltdowns , but the other two things in My mind it seemed like an Actual Action that made me feel *$#@%&* fantastic after doing it. Seriously though, why is it that we camouflage our feelings and pretend to have it All together only to go find the nearest hiding place to cry, scream or freak out when things aren’t together?

Most Days I look totally fine, I go into work smiling, looking like a million bucks, but on the inside I’m ready to fall the hell apart, and you wouldn’t even know it, cause I cover it up so well. I cover it with makeup, and make sure my hair is put together, or I’m smiling just to keep from crying, so that nobody would ever know I’m a Mess, plus that’s the plan Right?! Dealing with a chronic illness it seems like my body never rest, even after sleeping for 8 hours. Its like I need a Nap from a Nap. Either I wake up Dealing with extreme exhaustion, joint aches, Attitudes from teenagers, or plain ole just the usual “I’m just not feeling this mess today”.

I’m going to be honest, I had a complete meltdown yesterday morning. My oldest wanted to wear shorts that were extremely to short, My youngest could not fit any of her summer clothes, I forgot a bill was due, and not enough money to do anything and on top of it all I felt like I was just hit by a semi truck cause physically I was exhausted and I’m sure many people can relate to this even with not dealing with a chronic illness. You go home, the house is a mess, you have to cook dinner, deal with kids/pets, husband/and or wife and just want someone to ask if there is anything I can do? But of course our response is going to be “I’m Fine” I got it. Why is that?

Well Today I am not Fine, I’m Sick and Tired of being, Sick and Tired. My therapist said to me “You pretending to Be OK, is one of the reasons you are Not Ok” and you can imagine the RBF (resting @#!%$ face) I had but the excuses I gave was, Reasons I say I’m Ok, is cause I never want to feel like a burden, or honestly Nobody wants to genuinely listen or either I’m just talking to the wrong people. However he was RIGHT!!

My advice though would be The Next time someone ask “Are you OK”, say No, see what their response is? Stop Pretending Your ok when your not, cause believe me its not going to make anything better by pretending your ok when in reality your NOT OK! Cause There is Nothing wrong with Not Being Ok. Here is a picture of my scenery as I post my blog……Enjoy and Stay Tuned!

“Everything is going to be fine in the end. If its not Fine, its not the End”~ Oscar Wilde

Tanika💜 “Chronically Expressive”

Welcome to my Blog! My Someone asked me Why I wanted to Start a Blog and What was the Reason Behind the Name of my Blog. I have been talking about doing this blog forever and I had every excuse of why I have yet to complete or start it. From Time, not having a keyboard for My iPad, pretty much every excuse in the book. I knew at home I was writing in my journals literally everyday, but to actually write a blog, to where everyone could see my thoughts and opinions, I must say frightened me. In my mind it sounded like little house on a prairie, but in reality I knew it could end up like Nightmare on Elm Street.

If you scroll to my About Me Section, you will see I am a 34 year old Mother of 2 beautiful girls, I also have a full time job in Optometry. Other than being a full time mother I plan to go back to school and finish my nursing, because in my heart that is a passion of mine. I currently have a degree in Interior Design. I know opposite ends of the spectrum Right but Hey why just have 1 title under your Belt?!

First Question asked was What’s up with the Title of my Blog “Chronically expressive”? Well, At the Age of 7, I was Diagnosed with an Chronic Inflammatory Bowel Disease Called Crohn’s and Which unfortunately I also was Diagnosed with Colitis. Lucky Me Right! This Disease affects your whole Body, not Just your Digestive System. I am Now 34 years old, and about a year ago I was Diagnosed with Lupus. For so Long I had the thought process of Why Me? My life is Ruined. I considered All of this happening to me to be a punishment. My mindset was All About me, Asking God Why Did All this have to Happen to me, but in reality this was Bigger than JUST ME. I have met so many people that have been supportive, encouraging, and also fighting the same fight I fight on a daily basis. Whether its Mental or Physical.

One of my biggest hobbies is collecting Journals. I own over 35 journals to this Day, and Most of them are filled up with From Writing About Life, Perspective, My Crohn’s, Colitis and Everyday Shits! Literally 😂 Inside Joke!

So in my heart I knew this Blog was Bigger than me. I knew I could Really Help Someone, Or maybe someone has the same thoughts 💭 and just needed someone else to relate to. So I said Why Not put this in perspective and Write About it. I didn’t want my Blog to just be surrounded Around my Condition even though its a Major part of my life, but believe me when I say I write and talk A lot I have no Chill At all! So as a result I came up with this Title Chronically Expressive. This Blog will not be your average blog. Its not at all formal. It can and will get gruesome, but its my life and opinions! Here you will find post about Work, Kids, Relationships, Just Everyday Woes of My Life. I am very vague and blunt, but most of all I am Real! As planet fitness would say “No Judgement Zone Here! This is my very First blog So be patient with me as I work Out the kinks. As I embark this new Journey Feel free to comment , Post, and Ask Questions!

Stay Tuned and Welcome to Chronically Expressive……..

Tanika 💜